Love obsession guilt

Papa Vera
3 min readApr 13, 2022


I’m finding myself thinking of you, even when I’m not thinking about you

I have written so many things about you, low-key wanting you to read them, have pity, and end up calling me

but what I’m about to write, I hope you never see it

I don’t know for sure, either it’s an obsession, deepen love, remorse, or a combination of both

I think of you day and night, I talk about you to whoever crosses my road

normally for people to get over their ex-lovers, flaws, be helpful

nevertheless, you are flawless to my eyes

Them, pictures, mostly yours and ours

I look at them more often

mostly wondering how can someone be this beautiful

feeling dumb and stupid for sabotaging my peaceful and happy place

a place, I use to call home

My heart craves nothing but your warmth

It does remind me occasionally that it’s over for me

That I will never be accepted or loved anymore

like “that was your last chance and you blew it”

and for the first time in the history

Mind and heart agree

my mind has that kind of unexplainable fear

it does sometimes ask me a question that I couldn’t honestly answer

Sometimes, it goes like

‘’What would happen if given another chance?”

Would it be butterflies all over again?

Would it be catastrophic?

one thing is for sure, it would never be the same again

either a way better version 2.0 or a complete disaster

Knowing me the way I know me

I would maybe spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you

trying to compensate for my past mistakes

and knowing you the way I know you

you would completely and totally hate it

you like balance,

Walking over the eggshells ain’t your language

The thing is, there is no possible perfect outcome

but still

you are my utmost heart desire and my mind agree

I crave your presence all over

Truth be told, I don’t think anyone will ever accept me as the way you did

The funny thing is, with you

I started to believe that I’m handsome

Your words eradicated all my past body shaming

You were really heaven sent

If only the heaven can bless me once again

It would be a wonderful miracle

Sometimes I wonder if my mum has met your dad yet

And what they think of us

Of course, they are watching over us

but what do they think of us

Do they want us back together

I could really use your dad’s wisdom and my mum’s help

Can you help me out here mum!

I know you can’t refuse me anything

Please do help me, mum, I miss her so much there is no mesure

It’s almost like an obsession

like if I stop missing her for one second

something bad would happen

I feel the guilt of destroying our family

Our little happy family

And the timing maaaaaan

I messed things up when you most needed me

It’s like I left you hanging alone

Dealing with everything on your own

Feeling all the feels

It kills me that things ended

but I’m more shattered by the timing

I have to admit

there is no perfect timing for auto-destruction

but mine was disastrous

how I wish to know your whereabouts

To be there for you like you were

when I talk about you

one thing that comes out first is the way you took care of me

the way you did be there for me

I can’t emphasize enough how grateful I am for you

I never will

It is way beyond measures

I’m forever indebted to you

I hold so much love for you

that it would be hard to make space for anyone else

I guess this is my one for the ages

so sad that I get to experience it alone

May you find peace, dear one