I’m finding myself thinking of you, even when I’m not thinking about you
I have written so many things about you, low-key wanting you to read them, have pity, and end up calling me
but what I’m about to write, I hope you never see it
I don’t know for sure, either it’s an obsession, deepen love, remorse, or a combination of both
I think of you day and night, I talk about you to whoever crosses my road
normally for people to get over their ex-lovers, flaws, be helpful
nevertheless, you are flawless to my eyes
Them, pictures, mostly yours and ours
I look at them more often
mostly wondering how can someone be this beautiful
feeling dumb and stupid for sabotaging my peaceful and happy place
a place, I use to call home
My heart craves nothing but your warmth
It does remind me occasionally that it’s over for me
That I will never be accepted or loved anymore
like “that was your last chance and you blew it”
and for the first time in the history
Mind and heart agree
my mind has that kind of unexplainable fear
it does sometimes ask me a question that I couldn’t honestly answer
Sometimes, it goes like
‘’What would happen if given another chance?”
Would it be butterflies all over again?
Would it be catastrophic?
one thing is for sure, it would never be the same again
either a way better version 2.0 or a complete disaster
Knowing me the way I know me
I would maybe spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you
trying to compensate for my past mistakes
and knowing you the way I know you
you would completely and totally hate it
you like balance,
Walking over the eggshells ain’t your language
The thing is, there is no possible perfect outcome
but still
you are my utmost heart desire and my mind agree
I crave your presence all over
Truth be told, I don’t think anyone will ever accept me as the way you did
The funny thing is, with you
I started to believe that I’m handsome
Your words eradicated all my past body shaming
You were really heaven sent
If only the heaven can bless me once again
It would be a wonderful miracle
Sometimes I wonder if my mum has met your dad yet
And what they think of us
Of course, they are watching over us
but what do they think of us
Do they want us back together
I could really use your dad’s wisdom and my mum’s help
Can you help me out here mum!
I know you can’t refuse me anything
Please do help me, mum, I miss her so much there is no mesure
It’s almost like an obsession
like if I stop missing her for one second
something bad would happen
I feel the guilt of destroying our family
Our little happy family
And the timing maaaaaan
I messed things up when you most needed me
It’s like I left you hanging alone
Dealing with everything on your own
Feeling all the feels
It kills me that things ended
but I’m more shattered by the timing
I have to admit
there is no perfect timing for auto-destruction
but mine was disastrous
how I wish to know your whereabouts
To be there for you like you were
when I talk about you
one thing that comes out first is the way you took care of me
the way you did be there for me
I can’t emphasize enough how grateful I am for you
I never will
It is way beyond measures
I’m forever indebted to you
I hold so much love for you
that it would be hard to make space for anyone else
I guess this is my one for the ages
so sad that I get to experience it alone
May you find peace, dear one
