Everything and more

Papa Vera
3 min readJan 3

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Photo by Benji Aird on Unsplash

It’s been a minute

either I was lying to myself or I had really moved on

healed

one thing is for sure

I haven’t had the urge to write in a while

A lot has been going on lately

and I’m really worried about the person I may become

I have never said it out loud but I came to Europe in the hope of a family

for most of the people I know, money comes first

above all else

but not for me

it has always been family

ever since a young age, having a wife, and kids was my mission

Asked me what I want in life

no doubt family would be my answer, at any given moment

after some time and reflexion

gone back and forth

I have discovered that we all want what we have never had

I know that now

at a young age, I had everything

I mean literally everything

I was the kind of kid who would ask for money for sweets and biscuits

and be sure to get them money every single time

I was a single child

I was all she had left with

A golden treasure to my mum

A true hero, my one of a kind

in my memories, I have never had no for an answer from her

All to say that money has never been an issue

on other hands

I have never known my dad and all his family

I lost my three sisters to genocide

And an enormous number of my mum’s family

Et pour couronne le tour

my mum, my everything at 9

I have lost so much in one lifetime

not being ungrateful

I have also got so much

the family I have now

beautiful, amazing people

I don’t see any better than them

but still, there is a void that can never be easily filled

growing up, I told myself ko nzusa ikivi

that I will start my own family

Start my own lineage

be the ancestors

Only that can fill the void in me

at least that’s what I tell myself ever since

that has been my utmost heart desire

my reason for waking up in the morning

the hope of having a family on my own

most of the things I did have been in line, or the consequences of that

on the fifth of January 2019,

I met a person, an amazing woman,

A hope for each and everything I have been longing for

I saw the potential to a family

my family

later that year, she came to Europe

from the day, I said goodbye to her

I made Europe my mission

Which I successfully achieved

There I came, in hope and search for everything

In a blink of a second

I had everything and destroyed everything

my family

later on, say to myself that I had moved on

that I am fine

till now, I’m not sure if I am

one thing is for sure

she will always be mon grand amour

no matter where the weather will take me

that being said

recently, I have gone back and forth

wondering whether I will ever get a chance at a family, at love ever again

frankly speaking, I don’t see how

As an over-thinker, I have explored all possible scenarios in my head

and I couldn’t find a way out

most people think that they are special

that they can get through anything

but I know who I am now

I’m no special

all to say that when I look around

I see men living apart from their kids

women struggling on their own

kids lacking stability

and I’m terrified

terrified at the idea of being a part of that circle

then come back to my senses and realize that It may happen to me

I mean who am I to escape the circle

If I’m honest with myself

I’m terrified at the idea of ending up all alone

I see no possibility of having a family

I see no one around

I see no way out

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