It’s been a minute
either I was lying to myself or I had really moved on
healed
one thing is for sure
I haven’t had the urge to write in a while
A lot has been going on lately
and I’m really worried about the person I may become
I have never said it out loud but I came to Europe in the hope of a family
for most of the people I know, money comes first
above all else
but not for me
it has always been family
ever since a young age, having a wife, and kids was my mission
Asked me what I want in life
no doubt family would be my answer, at any given moment
after some time and reflexion
gone back and forth
I have discovered that we all want what we have never had
I know that now
at a young age, I had everything
I mean literally everything
I was the kind of kid who would ask for money for sweets and biscuits
and be sure to get them money every single time
I was a single child
I was all she had left with
A golden treasure to my mum
A true hero, my one of a kind
in my memories, I have never had no for an answer from her
All to say that money has never been an issue
on other hands
I have never known my dad and all his family
I lost my three sisters to genocide
And an enormous number of my mum’s family
Et pour couronne le tour
my mum, my everything at 9
I have lost so much in one lifetime
not being ungrateful
I have also got so much
the family I have now
beautiful, amazing people
I don’t see any better than them
but still, there is a void that can never be easily filled
growing up, I told myself ko nzusa ikivi
that I will start my own family
Start my own lineage
be the ancestors
Only that can fill the void in me
at least that’s what I tell myself ever since
that has been my utmost heart desire
my reason for waking up in the morning
the hope of having a family on my own
most of the things I did have been in line, or the consequences of that
on the fifth of January 2019,
I met a person, an amazing woman,
A hope for each and everything I have been longing for
I saw the potential to a family
my family
later that year, she came to Europe
from the day, I said goodbye to her
I made Europe my mission
Which I successfully achieved
There I came, in hope and search for everything
In a blink of a second
I had everything and destroyed everything
my family
later on, say to myself that I had moved on
that I am fine
till now, I’m not sure if I am
one thing is for sure
she will always be mon grand amour
no matter where the weather will take me
that being said
recently, I have gone back and forth
wondering whether I will ever get a chance at a family, at love ever again
frankly speaking, I don’t see how
As an over-thinker, I have explored all possible scenarios in my head
and I couldn’t find a way out
most people think that they are special
that they can get through anything
but I know who I am now
I’m no special
all to say that when I look around
I see men living apart from their kids
women struggling on their own
kids lacking stability
and I’m terrified
terrified at the idea of being a part of that circle
then come back to my senses and realize that It may happen to me
I mean who am I to escape the circle
If I’m honest with myself
I’m terrified at the idea of ending up all alone
I see no possibility of having a family
I see no one around
I see no way out
